So I've been back almost a month.

I was back and in need of help.

The only ones who have been of any help to me since I've been back have been my parents, albeit begrudgingly, and my brother and his wife.

I needed a ride for church. I only had that one Sunday the whole time I've been here. I needed a ride to apply for jobs at places where the application isn't available on line yet. That never happened. I needed to be closer to Raleigh where I could catch the CAT bus to do job searching. Again, nothing worked out there. What I originally had planned for that totally went wrong due to finding out I had to leave Redding earlier than when I originally planned.

Others are not able to or don't want to help. I know some just can't. Others, however, can help.

Over the weekend, I was concerned that I might need to move out of my parents house (I never intended to stay there permanently anyway) because of a situation that was going on. Fortunately, things did not work out as I expected (a good thing this time around, as normally when things don't work out as I expected it's generally been an upset) and it's all ok. However, I called pretty much all the pastors of my church to get help. I was only able to get in touch with one of them. I've yet to hear back about a place to stay, or "sorry, couldn't come up with anything", or anything. Granted, Thanksgiving is coming up and everyone is heading out of town. I only needed to be there for one week anyway. But no help as of yet. So two thoughts are going through my mind. "They just weren't able to work anything out" and "They don't care about me, they're tired of helping me out".

I know a lot of people probably are tired of helping me. I'm sorry I've drained them all (probably mostly while I was living in Redding, California). I definitely didn't mean to.

But fortunately I have a job and I'm moving up to Virginia now. I'll be in a better position.

I'm leaving the Raleigh area behind. I know I've been a drain on what friends I do have there. I went about some things the wrong way. I'm sure many of them forgive me. I'm not sure how many truly forgive me, but I'm sure just about all of them will say they do. But whether they forgive me or not, they're still totally drained.

On top of that, I know I mentioned I find I make better friends in other places compared to Raleigh. That has always been the case for me, even before I moved to California, and before I became a drain on my friends in North Carolina. What can I say? It's an observation I've made. I've got great friends in Redding, Clear Lake, CA, Los Angeles, Portland, Seattle, some towns in Michigan, other towns in Texas, etc etc. (OK, haven't been to Portland, Seattle, Michigan, or Texas yet but the people I've met from those places and others I've been able to be great friends with) I've always had trouble with friendships in the Raleigh area, and the only reason why I think that is is even biblical. A prophet is not welcome in his home.

OK, for a little while before I moved to Redding, California, certain people in this area loved me, especially those at my church or other friends I've made in the spirit-filled Christian community! Maybe it was because I received this prophetic word that pretty much confirmed I was supposed to go to Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry. They helped me out to get there to Redding! They even helped me well on into it for a while. I don't deny that. But it fell apart last year, and now I'm back where I started. Guess I used up all the help I can get here.

I came back and I've quickly worn out my welcome here.

What can I do? I'm just going to move on to my next opportunity and make the most of it. And that's what I'll do. I'll make it back to Redding eventually. Nothing against you, my friends in Raleigh/Clayton/all other towns in the area. I just know I've worn out my welcome and I'm not wanted here.

It really does hurt to come to this conclusion, honestly. But there's a bright side, a great future God has for me.

I know God has great things in store for me. I'm an eagle that has somehow gotten stuck in this chicken coup he grew up in again. I know I can fly, yet others still try to tell me I can't. I've experienced the flight before. Yes, I crashed, but that's not stopping me from knowing that I am an eagle. Let's look past the negative stuff of the last two years. In the last two years, I've accomplished things that I know 10 years ago I never thought I'd be doing. God says there's more, that I need to fly higher, and don't worry about the crash. The crash is part of the learning and growing experience! And so I fly again!

Those that want to be chickens can choose to be. Is there anyone reading this who wants to be an eagle and fly even when the chickens say you can't do it? That's all they are, chickens! Let's fly! My real friends, the eagles, will support me through all this. And I may make mistakes along the way again! But I'm still learning. The chickens will mock me when I crash and say "I told you so" but there's no need to listen to them. So who among those reading this is a chicken and who is an eagle?

The past two paragraphs were based on a prophetic word that Angelo Candler gave me years ago. Basically he saw me as an eagle, and I was in a chicken coup. I dreamed of flying, yet everyone told me I was a chicken and couldn't fly. See, that word that he gave me was the first point where I began to understand my true identity in Christ. I know I'm not accepted by everyone, especially many in my home area. I don't need to be. I'm flying. Those who want to fly, feel free to join me!

When I was in Redding, finding a job, most of the time, I didn't choose to give up while I was trying to find work.

When i chose to move down to Los Angeles, I made that choice after I had lost my job with Daydream Services. I made the choice after I had lost what I thought would help me to sustain me financially.

Again, I get back to Redding. I was willing to go homeless if I had to. Then I find a little freelance work. At first it seemed to be enough to sustain me.

But not enough of it came in.

Something happened where I wasn't willing to be homeless anymore to stay in Redding. I just wanted to go home.

I tend to give up after I see a certain amount of breakthrough, but then it doesn't last. That's when I give up.

Maybe the problem is once I got a certain amount of breakthrough, I was content with it and didn't keep pressing in for more. And when that breakthrough I had suddenly fell through, I wanted to give up.

I need to be prepared for things to fall through. And the fact is, I haven't been prepared for that. What do I do when I think I have breakthrough, and then it doesn't come to pass like I felt I needed it to? Like I get a job, thinking it would help me make a living and get back to ministry school by the next school year, just to lose it a month later?

I'm not trying to beat myself up over this. I'm just saying this is something I noticed. I give up after I see a certain amount of breakthrough, but find it's not enough.

What's the cause of that for me? Why do I do this? I want to know.

I used to have this excitement about what was happening, and where I was heading. I guess it was kind of an emotional high, but it lasted for quite a long time to be an emotional high.

It was late 2005/early 2006 when I finally got over my last bout of depression. And I decided I was going to take on this calling as well to do ministry. I knew I needed to go to school somewhere, and a prophetic word from Ivan Allum even confirmed it and pretty much confirmed where, too.

That excitement, that expectancy about life, continued well on into 2008. In the fall of 2008, I got into ministry school. It was pretty much a miracle that it happened. I didn't even have enough money for the payment plan, but God provided.

However, for some reason, the provision didn't continue. I pressed in and pressed in, but ultimately at the end of 2008, I had to drop out.

Since then, I don't know. The passion and the excitement has dwindled. Yes, there's been times where it's been re-sparked, but it doesn't last quite as long.

I recognize the importance of staying in the Word, worshipping even when you don't feel like it, etc. And I've been doing that. But I've yet to see what I had before re-ignited.

About a week or so before I finally left Redding, Matt, the senior leader of the church I go to here in North Carolina, had said something that triggered me to go into depression. It wasn't his intention, but that's what happened. Right before I left I felt as though I had gotten out of that, but then kind of started falling back into that on the plane.

And I was stuck in that state for two more weeks being back. Now, I'm not so much depressed anymore compared to what I was. However, there still seems to be something lacking. Actually as I'm typing this, I'm realizing there were things I was expecting God to do, and he didn't. Perhaps it was because it was the wrong timing, or maybe I totally misread what he was doing in the spirit. I really don't know. And I know that even though God doesn't do anything wrong, sometimes we still hold things against him and we need to forgive. So right now, I just choose to forgive God. I know he did nothing wrong, however, I was expecting things of him that, for right now for whatever reason, he wasn't going to do.

So I'm trying to live life like I was living before I moved to Redding, and before I even got this prophetic word (though I've yet to get my job back at Target, even though I've applied, but I've got other work I'm doing). I don't think this word was off at all, but I think my timing and judgement about things might have been off. And right now, I'm just in a season where I need to think about things differently.

Now I'm saying the same stuff over again though. Back to the subject.

This passion that I used to have, I want re-ignited. I'm still going after him, even though I don't always feel like it. I know it's not about feelings. However, I kind of think right now something is the norm that shouldn't be. God is not a boring God! He's an exciting God and full of opportunity, and always keeps his promises. So maybe it's something going on with me.

I think part of my problem is that I sold my synthesizer last year to help pay for things. I should never have done that. Music is a very important outlet for creative expression. Partly for worship, yes. But I've never exactly felt the call to be a worship leader. I think worship is a very important part of what I do, yes. But I've always had a heart for those who don't fit into the church, even those who don't fit into much of the spirit-filled church. The style I did was a mix of synthpop and industrial. So it was geared more towards whatever the kind of people who like synthpop are, and then more of the goths and rivetheads, just depending on the mood I was in when I made my music. And then some ravers got into my music too, even though it definitely was not rave music. I loved doing that, and I think it helped keep my relationship with God interesting. Now, it's lacking. So I think I'm getting to an important part of the problem.

So right now I'm working, and I'm going to trust God to provide me either with a new synth, or a MIDI controller and a new laptop with a working screen. I need to get back to the music God had me doing. It was an important key for me. The music wasn't for everyone. But certain people loved it, and I know God loved it. Music is an important part of my calling. I know that for a fact. So, let's see what God does! I am definitely going back to making music. Even for right now if it's just using LMMS (a Fruity-Loops-like program) and getting a cheap mic to record my vocals and doing it as kind of a studio project that's not even all that professional, I don't really care (by the way, I was getting pretty good at making recordings with unprofessional equipment). It will be a start in the right direction for me as far as that goes.

Now that I remember, music was an important part of my healing too, back in the day. Why wouldn't it be now?